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#defiant #behaviour #respect #problemsolving #discipline #rewards #support #network #rolemodel #leader #creative

Children who struggle with excessive disobedience for over 6 months should be evaluated by a psychiatrist or psychologist. One possible diagnosis could be Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD), which is a condition in which a child displays an ongoing pattern of uncooperative, defiant, and hostile behavior toward people in authority.
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Disrespect is frustrating – we’ve all been left in the wake of a smart remark, thinking “Did that just happen?” But you can’t force your child to act respectful. And you probably don’t want them to put on an act anyway – I imagine you want the real thing. Try these 3 tips:

Tip #1: Model respect in your interactions with your tween or teen. This is the big one. It’s basically the Golden Rule, but it’s even more important in a parent-child relationship, because you’re the role model. Look at the difference between the following two examples. Which is more respectful? And, just as importantly, which is likely to be effective?

Disrespectful Parent: Why haven’t you started your homework yet? It’s 7 o’clock already! Do you want to fail your math test tomorrow? I can’t believe this!

Respectful Parent: Hey, I know this video game is really fun, so you may have lost track of time. It’s 7 o’clock, which is the time we agreed you’d start your homework. I remember you have a math test tomorrow.

And it’s not just the words. Tone and delivery count, too. So don’t yell from the adjoining room while staring at your smartphone. Go to them, make eye contact, and say it gently. Then actually listen to the response. You’ll probably never hear “Oh, thank you dear mother for your kind reminder,” but you may get a grunt of agreement and some actual action out of the second approach, rather than a smart remark.

Tip #2: Include your tween or teen in creating solutions for chronically disrespectful situations. If you’re going through the same nagging motions night after night, call a meeting. Sit down, calmly spell out the problem, and then surprise them: Ask them to think of some solutions. Model respect for them by truly listening and making them a partner in the solution.

For example, say your daughter is constantly battling with you over when to start homework. Say, “Hey, we’ve been having daily battles about when to start your homework and it’s not working for either of us. I think you should start your homework at 7, but you’re often busy with something else. How can we solve this?”

Then, unleash another surprise: Let your child air her grievances (respectfully). Maybe she hates it when you yell or call her lazy. Maybe she needs some more wind down time after school. Now bring it home with a third surprise: suggest both of you work to change.

Once you’ve come up with a mutually agreeable solution (say, you’ll give a 15-minute warning at 7pm and then she’ll wrap up what she’s doing and start homework by 7:15), write it down. Somehow putting the agreement on paper makes it more real, more solid for all parties.

Finally, agree what will happen if the agreement is broken on either side (there shouldn’t only be negatives for your child!) If you yell or call her lazy, you’ll put $5 in a jar which your child gets when her homework is done. If your child hasn’t started homework by 7:15, she forfeits one beloved soccer practice. Post the agreement on the fridge, stick to it, and then work to encourage cooperation by bringing in Tip #3.

Tip #3: Catch your child being good and then label the good quality. This is a great tip from the classic book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. Praise your child when they do show respect.

Be specific in your praise and wrap the compliment in a nice, neat bow by giving the behavior a positive label. For example: “Thanks so much for holding the door for that lady with the stroller. You were really respectful to her.” Or “I really appreciate that you unloaded the dishwasher without sighing or rolling your eyes. That’s what I call respect.” Your child gets a three-fer: 1) knowledge that you actually notice positive behavior, 2) the positive reinforcement of a sincere compliment, and 3) a positive trait to apply to himself. And you don’t have to limit it to verbal praise: leave a note on her pillow, tuck one in a lunchbox, or tape one to his door.

Tip #4: Don’t expect immediate compliance. In a world of Google, we get millions of instantaneous responses. But your kid needs some time to process. In the moment, state your case (respectfully) and walk away. They’ll think about it. Regarding praise, you may have to give compliments and appreciation for weeks before they trust your sincerity. They may think you’re just trying to mess with them and may even escalate the disrespect at first. But keep it up – no kid has the energy to be disrespectful in the face of genuine respect, cooperation, and compliments. Eventually they’ll feel guilty, start to crave the approval, and you’ll see some change.

They won’t be able to help it and will treat you with more respect. (Source)
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Today’s blog offers 10 strategies for the weary parent to handle a defiant teenager:

1. Tie Privileges to Good Behavior.

What your teen might consider as necessities are really privileges that they should have to earn. Electronics, money, driving, and time with friends are all wonderful things that your teen may be allowed when they are behaving appropriately. While you should try to keep the link positive – for example, telling your teen that they have the opportunity each day to earn more privileges with good choices – these privileges should be taken away if your teen calls you names, refuses to comply with house rules, or engages in some other disrespectful behavior.

2. Avoid Repetition.

For some reason, it seems like most parents, at one point or another, resort to repeating themselves. Nagging your teen, or reminding them over and over that if they don’t do something they will be grounded, usually does not work. Many times, it just encourages defiance and steals your authority. Instead, give directions one time only, offering only one warning, and then, follow through with a consequence. It is the fastest way to achieve compliance while also maintaining a more peaceful household.

3. Enforce Consequences.

Once you have decided what limits and/or rules are important to you, stick to them, and establish specific consequences for breaking them. You absolutely must follow through in enforcing consequences to see change in your teen’s behavior. Do not ever threaten a consequence that you will not enforce – your teen will call your bluff, and, when you don’t follow through, you will lose your authority. If your teen doesn’t comply, provide the consequence in a calm manner. For example, you might say, “You didn’t clean your room like I asked you to, so you won’t be allowed to go to the movies.” Or, “Since you came home late tonight, you will not have access to the car this weekend.”

The other important key in this area is not rescuing your child from the consequences of his behavior. This will only encourage further defiance. For example, if he backtalks a teacher, do not call and make excuses for his behavior or try to lessen his punishment. Instead, talk to your teen about how he should make choices that work in his favor rather than choices that ultimately make him unhappy.

4. Have a Plan.

When your teen acts defiant, the situation can become very emotional. Your teen may be angry and their behavior can, in turn, make you angry. Unfortunately, emotional gut reactions generally do not help calm the conflict, so it is best to create a strategy beforehand. Plan out what you’re going to say to your child ahead of time, before she acts out again. Deliver your message in a simple, clear, and calm manner.

5. Praise Good Behavior.

Offer your teen a compliment or simple thank you when you see them making a good choice or doing something you asked. You might say, “Thanks so much for cleaning your room without even being asked.” Your compliments (as long as they are not sarcastic or over-the-top) will encourage your teen to continue to do good things. If you are always on his back about what he does wrong, he will end up feeling like he can’t do anything right, so why bother? Acknowledge the small steps they take in positive directions.

6. Teach Problem Solving.

Despite what your teen may say, they usually do not prefer to deal with their problems alone. As a parent, you are your teen’s teacher, coach, cheerleader, and disciplinarian. Part of your role is to teach your teen how to solve their own problems. You can read our previous blog Teaching Problem Solving Skills.

When things are calm, you might say, “This behavior won’t solve your problem—it will only get you into more trouble. So, how can you solve this problem differently next time?” Listen to what your teen has to say, and suggest ideas if he can’t come up with anything.

Additionally, it’s important to realize that, sometimes, defiance is really a symptom of an underlying problem. Don’t just assume your child is being defiant when they refuse to do something. Perhaps they don’t understand their classwork, so they refuse to do their homework, or perhaps they are afraid of speaking in public, so they refuse to prepare their project. You might need to help them develop a new or specific skill to address an underlying problem.

7. Focus on One Behavior.

If your teen is acting defiant in a number of different ways, it will be difficult and exhausting to try to address all of the problems at once. Instead, choose one behavior that is bothering you the most and begin to plan the steps you will take to improve that behavior. For example, if your teen is disrespecting or cursing at everyone in the family, not doing their homework, and also breaking their curfew, you need to decide which of these behaviors you cannot live with or seems most detrimental to their safety. When you have enforced consequences for the first behavior and it is under control, then you can move onto the next most bothersome behavior.

8. Pick your Battles.

In all honesty, many family conflicts are not worth your time and energy. It’s important to decide (with your spouse) which battles are worth fighting and which are best to let go. Avoid power struggles. Many times, teens will use petty arguments to delay having to comply with rules. Instead, concentrate only on battles that truly need your attention to protect your teen’s well-being. By avoiding minor disagreements, you create a more peaceful environment for your family, which can actually give your teen more confidence to approach you on more significant issues.

9. Stay Respectful.

Youth often come across as rude and disrespectful to their parents, teachers or other authority figures, which can be incredibly frustrating. Unfortunately, many adults respond by being rude and disrespectful back, but this is not constructive. As the adult, you must model behavior you want to see. Regardless of what you “preach,” if your teen sees you respond disrespectfully to them, then they will assume that disrespectful behavior is appropriate.

10. Get Support.

When our teens act inappropriately, it becomes easy to think we are bad parents and feel disappointed or even depressed. Do not buy into these negative thoughts or isolate yourself. Instead, find someone to talk to, whether it’s a therapist, support group, friend, or a trusted family member. You will be surprised how much better you will feel when someone simply listens to you. (Source)
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Let your child know you love her. While this may seem simple, it is important for rebellious teens to hear it. Sometimes feelings of being unacceptable to parents makes teenage girls become rebellious.

Give her some distance. If you are being too controlling, it may cause her to rebel and make you feel that you have lost control. Let her experiment with different hairstyles and clothing without being too judgmental.

Set limits with your daughter. However, if your daughter feels the rules are too harsh, she may begin to pull away. Negotiate rules, such as curfew, with her. When you set limits, it is important that your daughter knows the consequences of breaking the rules ahead of time and that you actually follow through with implementing them.

Look out for warning signs of depression, such as sadness or loss of interest in activities. This could be a root cause of anger, loss of self-esteem or rebellion. Contact your child’s pediatrician to discuss your options if this is the case. Treatment may be something your child needs in order to fix her behavior.

Recognize that some arguing is normal and that every teen is different. Do not compare your daughter to yourself as a teen, your siblings as teens, her friends or her siblings. This can further damage her self-worth, self-esteem and make her feel as though you are not actually listening to her needs.

Listen to your daughter when she expresses her desires and needs. Do not brush her off or tell her that what she is saying is childish or stupid. Listen with an open mind and do not interrupt her when she is speaking.

Discuss issues with therapists and school counsellors if your child has seemingly become out of control. They may be able to talk with you about your individual case and what can and should be done for your child. Sometimes sending your child to an alternative school may be part of the answer. A school counsellor or therapist can help you make that decision.

Send your daughter to treatment if her rebellion has been the result of an eating disorder, drug use, major depression or alcoholism. While this is by no means a quick fix, it can dramatically help your child and give her the tools to continue living her life. (Source)
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Find out why your child is upset. It may be something that is easily remedied, like he’s hungry, thirsty or hurt. Help him find a solution to the problem.

Be firm in disciplining your five-year-old. If she is throwing a temper tantrum as a means of manipulating you to get something, don’t just give in. This sends the message that if she screams and shouts enough that she will eventually get you to buy her an ice cream cone or new toy. If this works once your child will continue this sort of behavior.

Teach your child how to control his emotions. When he is very upset ask him to close his eyes breathe deeply 10 times. Ask him to imagine himself in a calm tranquil environment such as a beach or a park. Practice this method of meditation with your child on a daily basis and he will eventually develop a calmer mind. Start with five minutes and slowly work your way up to meditating for 15 to 30 minutes a day.

Send your child to his room when he is upset. With a firm voice, ask him not to come back until he is calm. Talk to him when he is calm, and inform him that arguing when someone is upset will not do any good.

Train your five-year-old child to express himself when he is angry or upset in a constructive manner. Instead of throwing tantrums and making a mess, teach him to write down his emotions in a journal or express them through drawing or physical activity such as a punching bag, running or swimming.

Show your five-year-old child what he looks like when he is upset. Video tape him when he is throwing tantrums, and show him the video when he has calmed down. Ask him how he would deal with a person acting in this manner. Do not criticize him, but make him realize that it is not proper to behave aggressively toward other people.

Reward your child when he is behaving calmly. When he demonstrates emotional self-control give him praise with a hug, a kiss and an occasional treat. This is called positive reinforcement and shows him how to be emotionally self-disciplined. (Source)